Oh Patricia...

Can I get high ~ Anna Wolf

Starting off this blog with a melodramatic song feels about right since I'm about to journey through a little of my latest relationship. I really wanted to come blazing on this piece, like an 8 armed alien holding hand grenades, it’s still a little fresh, to say the least!  But, as much as I'd love to be an asshole and play the bitter Betty card, it wasn't all bad! It was a very special connection that we had, so I'm not going to try and downplay it. I'm sure there was some grand purpose or life lesson in there, playing an annoying game of hide and seek with me. Honestly, though, these life lessons are really starting to grind my gears. I don’t want to learn anymore lessons!!!  Just saying!!!

Transitioning later in life meant things were going to get a bit more interesting. I've had to layer my skin like an onion and suit up in enough armor to make a knight jealous. Protecting myself and my mental well-being has become a priority, trying not to let things mess with my head. I'm a sensitive little B, and no amount of testosterone can change the fact that I still feel all the feels.  Love definitely wasn't on the list of things to tackle anytime soon.

Circa 2023, the night marked my farewell to downtown adventures for a while.  My relentless accomplice, Dee has been yanking me from the comforts of my home and routine leading us on another excursion to downtown Sacramento for the latest episode of Lush’s hosted lesbian night at Roscoe’s, the third to be exact.  Over time the lesbian exclusive parties lost their torch back in the day, pushing everyone back to Faces our most familiar gay nightclub with all the swingers. History is on a rerun, bringing back the classic: Ladies' Night!

I’ve always enjoyed these gatherings, especially now as I embrace my identity as a transman. The skeptical glances and curious stares only fuel me as I watch newcomers eager to earn their rainbow credentials, often overlooking me in the process. But regardless of the skeptics, I've earned my place in the community, and it doesn’t faze me one bit. After all, a community built on love and acceptance should be the last place for skepticism, you would think!! 

As Dee and I cruised downtown, I admitted it might be my final Lush appearance for a while. The aftermath of a post-40 hangover is no joke, it’s not just a rough morning, it’s a week-long recovery mission. The mental and physical toll of late-night partying and fast-food binges is undeniable. Not to mention, that inner fat kid has zero self-control in the middle of the night and drunk, and my strict gym regiment is out the window the following day. 

Here we are, strutting into the bar like we own the place, greeting everyone like we're running for mayor. Dee wanders off while I make a beeline to the bar, grabbing two mixed drinks with both hands like a pro. I've finally leveled up from beer pitchers to a touch of sophistication, because, you know, age and all that. As always, my night-out motto remains, "Well, I'm here, so might as well make the most of it".

I bumped into a friend who was accompanied by another friend. She excitedly introduces me to her buddy Patricia, adding, “This is so-and-so’s ex,” as if that was crucial information. Whatever, I’m rolling with it. Now, Patricia is tall—like really tall. She’s rocking shoes that give her an extra inch, while I’m in my gym shoes, which magically transforms me into a hobbit (okay, I’m exaggerating, but she did feel like an Amazon next to me). We locked eyes, and wow, her blue eyes were the kind that made you want to grab some board shorts and go for a swim.  And that, I did. 

We ended up talking most of the night, we traded banter, cracked jokes, and swapped numbers.  There was an immediate and unexpected connection between us that was undeniably strong. The night was history!!!

The next day, we were texting like our fingers were in a marathon until we finally decided to take it old school and talk on the phone. From the moment she spoke, I was hooked—her voice was like an Enigma song, all mysterious and enchanting. We agreed to meet for coffee the following day, and let me tell you, I was excited and nervous. I immediately started raiding my closet for my best flannel, and because she’s taller, I had to pull out my work boots for that extra inch of confidence.

We chose Starbucks just around the corner from my place. When we got there and stepped out of our cars, we hugged, but not just any hug!!!  She wrapped around me like I was a mink coat and made a few satisfied sounds as if she was about to savor a gourmet steak. I cracked a joke about it, of course, I couldn’t help it. We sat there talking and laughing, while I fidgeted with a straw wrapper and sweated enough to water a small plant. I nervously talked non-stop, and she, somehow, found my rambling amusing, remaining cool and collective.

This matchup felt pretty positive overall, despite the height difference and the unexpected revelation that she had a child!!  I've always been firm about two things in my life, not dating someone taller than me, and, due to a past relationship involving a child and the buzz kill it caused, not feeling ready to go on that emotional ride again. 

No surprise, the two things I was so adamant about went straight out the window. Patricia felt familiar to me, like a comforting blend of two fabrics, one from my past and one from my present. I was immensely drawn to her, feeling that this was my chance to become the best version of myself and make amends for any mistakes I had made in my past. I was going to make her a priority! She was truly special, embodying everything I had hoped for and more. She was authentic, a little hood, career-focused, incredibly loving, and affectionate with no pretenses. Best of all, she appreciated my sense of humor, even though she believes she's funnier than me, which is ABSOLUTELY not true! She had a wild side, and so did I, we were like two feral rabbits in a cage.  She could flawlessly rap to a Tupac song, word for word, which for anyone who knows me, that’s my dude. Man, did I score!!!

We quickly became each other's drug, completely hooked on the texts, phone calls, FaceTimes, and every moment together. She reached out so often, it was like clockwork. My days were practically a Patricia-palooza from dawn till dusk. The amount of attention she showered me with was nothing short of astounding! She was attentive both when we were apart and together. We effortlessly connected, and everything just seemed to fit perfectly!!!

A couple of months passed, and my feelings for Patricia intensified significantly, leaving me feeling incredibly scared. As I mentioned in my previous blog, my emotional vulnerability and association of love with pain paralyzed me. Here I am, always in self-protection mode, yet I felt compelled to lower my defenses instantly with her. Scary!!!  But, I experienced an overwhelming rush of emotions, which I couldn't keep to myself. When I shared this with Patricia, she also had a breakdown, leading us into a complicated situation with an unwanted guest. Our fears collided, resulting in a considerable amount of turmoil.  This set the tone for the months to come, sending my attachment style from avoidant/secure over to anxious.  Nothing good was going to come of it, but she essentially became the best friend I was missing, filling the void with texts, calls, thoughtfulness, and an abundance of love.

We managed to waltz through some of our challenges, my fear of loving and her fear of not being loved. Our communication seemed to sync up with our goals, and we found creative ways to dodge obstacles together. But I began to feel that the only thing we were truly good at was being wild and untamed in those private moments, while everything else fell by the wayside!  Moments of feeling secure, thinking we were gliding smoothly, and then there were times we took two steps back, like doing the tango off-beat. When someone steps out of a relationship, it really messes with your brain. This is my first time navigating these emotional potholes. Back in the day, I made some epic mistakes by stepping out of relationships without realizing the havoc I was causing. Now, I'm hit with instant regret for my past missteps. It's like karma finally decided to RSVP to the party!!! Not fun, at all!

Not long after the dust started to settle from the triangle debacle, another pattern emerged. Events were happening in her life, and I found myself on the guest list of...well, nowhere. Eventually, rather than telling me about events, she started hiding them from me, creating even more chaos. The transparency turned to betrayal, and this didn’t make sense to me, I was baffled. Being an overthinker and having no information is like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing and no picture on the box!!!  Was it something about me, my looks, my snoring, or something else entirely? We spent so much time together, and our "I love yous" seemed straight from a romance novel. But I began to feel like a footnote in her story. It became clear that it wasn't necessarily about me personally, but that being a transman made her, or perhaps the people in her life, uneasy. Excluding me was a way to avoid any judgments. Sucks! Despite our strong connection, it felt like I only existed behind closed doors. It felt like I was being shoved back into the closet I thought I’d left behind years ago. This feeling sent me to a place where I began to question myself and life choices.

The thought of my newly designated best friend, lover, drinking buddy, adventure friend, and confidant dismissing my existence was a real heartbreaker. Considering this is all still fresh, finding the positive seems as distant as Mars. It’s all pretty sad, we went from leaving no open gap in communication in our days to confused, silent and distant. The ending was like a grand finale on the Fourth of July, complete with blocking, unblocking, and unfriending people who didn't even know they were part of a war. Social media turned into a game of Battleship. Our phones became battlegrounds for a war of words. We morphed into miniature monsters, each trying to outdo the other in cutting remarks, louder screams, and displays of righteousness.  How did we get here, and why? Uggghhhh! We were both barreling down the highway of stubbornness with no plans to hit the brakes, turning every attempt at communication into a spectacular trainwreck.  I mean, it was a crazy party for two!!

Experiencing this was like losing my best friend all over again, leaving me with an empty, uncomfortable void. While I understand that it wasn't about me, I can't help but take it personally. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, even though it was incredibly difficult. I kept thinking that if I tried harder, gave more, and did more, it would fix everything. Unfortunately, I reverted to old habits, compromising myself and becoming someone, I didn't like.  Hurt and confusion gripped me like a vice, squeezing every ounce of clarity from my mind, leaving me stranded on an island of uncertainty! 

Patricia pushed me in ways I never expected, making me realize I need to treat myself with more care and to be more cautious.  It was like putting all my eggs in a basket that still had a “some assembly required' sticker on it, ignoring the warning, and then paying full price!!  Initially, she offered me a safe space to be vulnerable, something I never thought possible. This relationship brought a sense of comfort but also a touch of madness. Here I am, having to accept that sometimes things just don't go according to plan! (dramatic sigh) I really want to find the silver lining in this story right now, but like all relationships, the good stuff is probably on backorder. It doesn't make sense now, but eventually, it will all click into place.

 I’m trying to find some humor to sugarcoat the loss, but it’s still a bit of a gut punch. Overthinking and writing are my current hobbies, and I'm feeling all the feels. My journey is all about rediscovery and healing, and I have to own my shit, even when it's uncomfortable! I know I’m different and unique and have some great qualities, that’s undeniable!  I might not have been the right match for her, but I will be for someone else. This doesn’t mean I don't adore her, I’d be lying if I said otherwise. It was just a huge disappointment! At this point, I’m just going to go ahead and let Jesus take the wheel……………..